“What can you say about Democrats other than they're a bunch of terrorist breeding, godless, atheistic, communist, pinko, satanic, gay, slandering, French, treacherous, treasonous, dicksucking pussies hellbent on destroying America?”
~ Ann Coulter on a preview of her next book
Man "dirty republican vundercunt" Coulter, born Bruce Poultry III on April 6, in the year 66, is the only person to ever be mathematically proven to be 100% bitch, with some dissenting evidence that she in fact contains trace elements ( less than 100% ) of the chemical compound known as "psycho who will eat your balls." She has never been known to partake of any other meal than the aforementioned balls. Ann Coulter is also known to have both a penis and a toothed vagina, which is has three rows of extremely sharp teeth that will shred any Penis that gets close to it. Also known to eat balls with her toothed vagina. Due to the aforementioned reason, she is unable to be satisfied except by dildoes made from pure diamond. However, these can chip her vaginal teeth and cause great pain. As a result she remains an unsatisfied and sexually frustrated bitch. She distills and purifies her frustrated bitchiness into vitriol of the most potent form. She is also a bitch.
She first came to public attention in 1996, when MSNBC hired her to appear on television shows and pretend to be a rabid parody of conservative Republicans in order to make them look bad. She immediately pushed her parodic impersonation to the point where even real conservative Republicans found her hard to swallow. However, she gained some followers, and gradually began to take her persona seriously. She was soon fired after an interview gone sour in which Ann cleverly articulated to a disabled Vietnam Veteran, "No wonder you guys lost."
Ann was born Bruce Poultry III in Salt Lake City, Utah to polygamist Dark-Side Mormon parents. She had one daddy and twelve mommies. She does not know which one was her "real" mommy because she was such an annoying brat as a child that they all claimed she was the child of one of the other women. A recent search of her birth records, however, has revealed that she was the daughter of none of them. She is the spawn of Satan and Barbra Streisand ( a reptilian humanoid ), who paid the Mormon polygamists to raise Ann as one of their own. Ann, however, remains unaware of her parentage.
At the age of 13, a woman trapped in a man's body, Bruce had vaginaplasty and became Ann. She also changed her last name from "Poultry" to the more urbane "Coulter". However some still claim she sports a cock, and her testicles have reportedly swollen to a tremendous size since the operation. The only certain witness to the mystery is Bill Maher since no one else has come forward to admit sleeping with Ann. Maher has niether denied nor confirmed the story of her alleged cock sporting.
Unwilling to be considered a lesbian, she became a thespian, and was contracted in 1996 by Michael Moore for an acting job. As Ann Coulter, Conservative Pundit, she parodied the American Right-- only to lose herself in the character.
She supports the underdog so much that anyone getting any sort of understanding rub on the shoulder has an unfair advantage and should be killed. This is shown in her support for the husband right to rape.
In 1997, she was comforting Karl Rove after a chance viewing of Buffy the Vampire Slayer sent him into a rocking fit. ( Rove has a well-established fear of actress Alyson Hannigan, and the sight of her often sends him into a whimpering stage ). Under his influence, she turned entirely into the person she had been hired to play, and unleashed her terrible reign of bad books and bad looks upon America and the world ( although only 0.1% of non-American population knows who the hell she is ). Although her brain has died, her mouth has the capability of running nevertheless.
After forcefully having to bang Sean Hannity doggy-style on the "after-hours" of Hannity and Colmes, she realized that after doing him, she didn't want to do another man. As a result, she got a sex change giving herself a giant penis. Seriously, her dong would put yours to shame. As a result of this massive and artifical manhood, she went on the "after-hours" of Hannity and Colmes again telling Sean that with her new penis she would never be fucked by a dude again. However, they wound up doing it doggy-style anyway but this time, Ann was giving it up the ass and Sean was taking it up the ass.
Deep Throating WhoreEdit
Ann Coulter frequently frequents Concerned Conservative Republican Christians for Families Committee ( CCRCFC ) Parties. Usually accompanied by Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly, Ann begins by firing up the crowd - who are jonesing on the coke and crystal meth provided by the RNC - with a speech on her burning hatred for humanity before leading the evening into dirty cranked-up group sex. Her perfected deep-throat felating to sometimes several hundreds of guests in a night puts Paris Hilton to shame. Ann repeadetly has rejected being called a whore because she doesn't charge for her services.
It is known that after the entourage of white Christian males leave the party, Ann Coulter enjoys to be fisted ( without lubricant, and sometimes in her slack whore-pounded asshole ) by the several black men who work in the kitchen. She has made no attempt to hide this fact. What is a source of controversy is whether Bill O'Reilly has ever had a black man fist his ass. Michael Moore addresses this question in his soon to be released documentary: "Bill O'Reilly likes to get his ass fisted by black men - I have proof".
Ann Coulter is known to enjoy being buttfucked by a large number of black dudes over and over again. In fact, it is her hobby to shove as many phallic objects up her ass as possible. Many have heard of the sex act DVDA ( Double Vaginal Double Anal ). In addition to doing DVDA with a large number of black dudes, Ann Coulter also enjoys QVQA ( Quadruple Vaginal Quadruble Anal ) and OA ( Octuple Anal ). This means she is able to have four cocks in her ass and cunt at the same time, or up to eight cocks in her ass at one time. This has led many to suggest that Ann Coulter is not really a human being, but a cyborg with a super-stretchy-futuristic-polymer skin, with a passion for insane amounts of assblasting of course. This is further verified by a statement Ann Coulter made to AssBlasters Monthly:
Rimjob Performer ExtrordinaireEdit
Ann Coulter also enjoys performing the act of analingus, commonly known as rimjob or otherwise asslicking. In fact, Ann Coulter was so involved with the Monica Lewinsky scandal only because she was jealous that Monica Lewinsky got to be Bill Clinton's asslicker before she did. Bill Clinton affectionately called Ann Coulter "My dirty asslicking cunt", but she was not mollified. This is why she tried to instigate as much as possible during the scandal. Ann Coulter enjoys asslicking so much that it is her Achilles Heel. Political Pundits and Think-tanks have theorized that if all the Liberals and Democrats in the United States bent over and offered their assholes to Ann Coulter, she would immediately surrender with pleasure and spend her life being an ass-licking anal whore. Of course, this is a win-win situation for Liberals and Democrats since they get to have their assholes licked by the same tongue that hurled vitriol at them. Some have even gone so far to say that the reason Ann Coulter is such a bitch is because she cannot satisfy this very fantasy. This excerpt from her diary proves this:
"Big assholes... small assholes... pink assholes... brown assholes... hairy assholes... assholes of every size, shape, color and hairiness... surrounding me... I want to lick each one of them to my hearts content like the dirty slutty whore cunt that I am... if only I could have this, I would be satisfied... why can't they give it to me? Why can't they?! I want to lick their assholes so bad! I want it real bad! How dare they not give it to me? Those lily-livered commie baby-killing motherfucking liberal cocksucking bastards! I am going to write another article about how Liberals love raping little babies! Fucking FAGS!" --Ann Coulter's Diary, September 7th, 2003
Critics allege she is an unrepentant user of prohibited substances and an aging whorish slut. Ann is quoted as saying of her critics "They think they are so smart just 'cause they done gone to college and I didn't." This is misleading, of course, because she not only went to college but attended law school. Fellow students in her graduating class unanimously voted her Most Likely to Become a Complete Fucking Asshole. Shortly thereafter, each and every one of them mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again. Ann received her diploma under heavy guard. Her valedictorian address ( "Fuck you, you fucking faggots!" ) was the shortest on record.
Despite being a member of the world's oldest profession, Coulter denies that she uses her body to sell her viewpoints, however the aging talking head insists on wearing short skirts to show off her spindly legs and lack of underwear.
Critics also make up inflammatory quotes which they attribute to her. This happens far more frequently than it does to Oscar Wilde, but since Ann is an avid believer in the Liberals Always Lie theory, she doesn't have to defend herself against these accusations.
Social critics note that Coulter's vitriolic personality, abusive language and sarcastic mannerisms keep her from being a woman fulfilled, and thus conclude that she is transgendered. David Brinkley once said that he'd "rather die than ride that dog," referring to Coulter. Upon hearing this, Coulter showed up on Brinkley's doorstep, rang the bell, and when the Dean of American Newsmen answered the door he dropped on the spot rather than "Go where no man has gone before."
In the year 1851, Ann Coulter waged war on Frogland. It has been mentioned earlier that Coulter is a cyborg (and a bitch), so in keeping with that, she used her dark powers to summon vast legion of republican cyborg death machines, including the likes of Condoleeza Rice, Dick Cheney, Oprah Winfrey ( a flaming conservative as you well know ), Bill O'Reilly, and Sailor Moon, who is a famous evangelist and the minister of Westboro Baptist Church. The battle lasted twenty years and had over thirty casualties. Unfortunately, Coulter was defeated by the fag-enabling, god hating liberal army of California when she was caught giving head to Sailor Moon. The enemy proceded to pawn her vagina ( for a paltry sum ) and anally violate her ( which she didn't mind a bit ). However, due to an unfortunate bout of flatulence on her part, Coulter's head was irreversibly fused to a horse's ass ( see picture ), which explains the way her face looks. The horse was amputated in 1969, when sliced bread was invented, and she has proceded to live a full and normal life despite loosing 93 percent of her brain. According to Coulter, losing 30 IQ has helped her immensely, since it meant she qualifies to be a guest on the Faux News channel. The brain fragments, along with the horse, were donated to a McDonald's chicken-nugget factory and haven't been seen since.
- The 1970s film 'The Omen' is loosely based on the childhood of Ann Coulter, but was toned down for general cinema release, and replaced the neo-facist spoutings of the young Coulter with the more abject avatar of SATANIC SPAWN.
- Miss Coulter, though she keeps herself slim and trim, is well-known as a lover of pie, and washes it down with the blood of virgins. Typically, she goes to a college, invites people to watch, and has the pie brought to her mouth via an overhand throw delivered by one of the local students. Historically the students have had terrible aim, which completely ruins it for everyone.
- Anagramically speaking, "Ann Coulter" is "a loner cunt" and a "rectal noun"
- Coulter lacks the ability to see herself in a mirror. She often checks, though, to ensure that horn and cloven foot are not visible to the common television host..
- She previously dated Star Jones for a brief period, which ended after Coulter tried to titty fuck her.
- Before she got her sex change Coulter liked to tuck her genitalia between her legs and dance naked in a silk robe in front of the mirror to Goodby Horses by Q. Lazzarus ( "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard." )
- Did not deny having sexual relations with Bill Clinton.
- She's also a redeadhead, meaning she's a huge fan of the Grateful Dead, though the reverse is not true. It is known that she had followed them on a couple tours, but it's not known what substances entered her body at that time. It is on record that she was shot at by the band members.
- Ann Coulter does not douche. Never has. Not even once. Man, it really smells like spoilt mackerel down there.....
- During the Armageddon, Ms. Coulter will be the Whore of Babylon, primarily due to the fact that in her high school years, she was Junior Miss Whore of Babylon both her junior and senior years, at the age of eleven and twelve respectively.
- A recent memo uncovered by CNN found that Ms. Coulter was actually behind the war in Iraq. When questioned on the memo, Ms. Coulter simply stated that "US oil reserves were running dry, and I'm thirsty as a bastard." This is in line with earlier assumptions that Ms Coulter is a cyborg.
- Mrs. Coulter worked for a time as an Associate at Hell Desk. Satan awarded her Employee of the Month ( October, 2001 ) for her outstanding work as telephone screener for Rush Limbaugh.
In this case, there are few things funnier than the truth...
- "Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like Liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now." ( actual Coulter quote...what's it doing HERE?! )
- "They're always accusing us of repressing their speech, I say let's do it. Let's repress them. Frankly, I'm not a big fan of the First Amendment." ( ANOTHER authentic quote! WTF?! )
- "You don't want the Republicans in power, does that mean you want a dictatorship, gay boy?" ( YET ANOTHER authentic quote! ZWTF?! )
- "Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"
- "At least when right-wingers rant, there's a point. We're trying to prove the fact that clouds actually ARE made of cotton candy!"
- "I think women should be armed but should not be allowed to vote."
- "AL FRANKEN! GET ON YOUR KNEES AND LICK IT LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!!!!" ( Nocturnal-emission-dream quote )
- "Nuke them all from orbit; it's the only way to be sure."
- "All women should be aborted, I alone shall foster the human race."
- "Save the whales? Hug a tree? God gave this world to people and Liberals want to save it? For fucking what? Unicorns? Are we going to shit in God's face and tell him that his air, water, timber aren't good enough for us to use and deplete? God gave us this world and God wants us to trash this place and it's our God given right to do it!"
- "You know why Air America sucks hairy unwashed ass? They have enough hatred and vitriol in them like I do, but they don't have the hypnotic mind-powers that REALLY gets the ratings."
- "If I ever see Cindy Sheehan in person, I'm going to fuck her up!"
- "Women suck"
- "Its throbbing like mad!"
- "Uhhhhh....I don't really like brown people"
- "I have never been a man... Recently."
- "Tell the Jew York Times they can suck my balls."
- "Why should America wage war against Adolf Hitler, one of the most successful European leaders of our time? At least he's not a crippled liberal imposter like that long-chin retard FDR."
- "Al Franken doesn't call me anymore; it's because my dick is bigger than his dick any day." ~ This, of course, destroys her previous point. Ooops! I just sounded like a minion of Wikipedia!
- "It's MY coke, and if you bitch-slap me one more time, I'm going to do a chapter on you in my next book"
- "Those fuckers better elect a Democrat in 2008, or I'm going to be out of material, and I need to complete my diamond-crusted bidet collection!"
- "Step back, or the bunny gets it!"
- "I eat liberals for breakfast, but I puke them up by 10:30 to maintain my stick figure."
- "My mommy said that when I was born, God cried."
- "Maybe if I yell things only ingnorant republicans beleive at the top of my lungs someone will finally love me!"
Quotes about Ann CoulterEdit
“Annie makes insanity look quite reasonable”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ann Coulter
“Der Lachende hat die furchtbare Nachricht nur noch nicht empfangen.”
~ Adolf Hitler on Ann Coulter
“Ok sure, I torture people and break their fingers to get information, but Ann's voice makes them want to pierce their eardrums with their fingernails. Needless to say I'm impressed.”
~ Jack Bauer on Ann Coulter
“"That bitch is going straight to hell!"”
~ God on Ann Coulter
“"Yeah right! I don't want that bitch anywhere in my domain!"”
~ Devil on Ann Coulter
Ann Coulter AnagramsEdit
Ann Coulter = a loner cunt
Ann Coulter = rectal noun
Ann Coulter = unclean rot
Ann Coulter = Real cunt, no?
Ann Coulter = ol' cunt near
Ann Coulter = Filthy Whore
- What a girl wants
- Liberals Suck-Part I: How I Paid Off My Student Loans
- Benedict Arnold: an American Patriot
- Lies that Liberals will tell you about Caligula
- I'm an Attention Whore: Why the only Reason I Hate Liberals so Much is becuase No one Huged me When I was a Child
- The Awful Disclosures of Maria Monk
- The Berenstain Bears and the Left-Wing America Haters
- Naked Came the Stranger
- The Hitler Diaries
- Godless: How 9/11 widows set US up to the bomb
- Liberals Suck-Part II: The Off-Shore Bank Account Padder
- I'm More of a Victim Than You
- ..And Then God Invented The Adam's Apple
- Let The Libs Bitch: I'm Still Making Money
- Why liberal babies destroy America
- Alien vs. Rocky ( title role )
- 101 Dalmatians ("Sparky")
- House of 1,000 Fox News Commentators ( Third Zombie from Left )
- Shallow Throat ( "Henry the Horse" )
- Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers ( "Orc #43" )
- Scary Movie ( "Miss Mann body double" )
- The West Wing-TV series ( "Aingry Heinous, Deputy WH Counsel" )
- Seabiscuit ( "Seabiscuit" )
- Godzilla ( Godzilla )