Cheese ( Cheese ) n. - A piece of processed milk that was made from a cow to make you sick if you eat too much; Cheese is good for you if the world's water supply is literally nothing but AIDS infected blood.
“Cheese is milk's leap towards immortality”
~ NPOV on Cheese
~ Oscar Wilde on Cheese
“Mmmmmmmm..... Cheese..... ”
~ Homer Simpson on Cheese
“BEFORE THE BIG BANG THERE EXISTED ONE CUBE OF CHEDDAR...”
~ Stephen Hawking on Cheese
“Cheese is the basis of all life on Earth and Mars”
~ Charles Darwin on Theory of Cheesolution
“First there came Chicken, for I am the LORD thy CHICKEN; then right after, Cheese, then there came man, then man ate cheese and cheese and man lived in harmony forever”
~ God on Cheese
“I AM THE CHEESE! I AM THE BEST CHARACTER ON THE SHOW. I AM BETTER THAN BOTH THE SALAMI AND THE BOLOGNA COMBINED.”
~ Cheese Jesus on Cheese
Cheese, while considered a food source extracted from the udders of the cheese plant by most people, is in fact a highly intelligent and evolved form of mold that when introduced into the human bloodstream moves towards the brain at an alarmingly quick rate. It destroys large portions of its victims cranial mass and converts it into an extreme version of leptothirosis. This in turn attacks the users liver and pancreas turning the victim into a gibbering mass of diseased turnips. This process is called cheesemancy and can be mastered by cheesemancers.( C.P.C. ) Cheese has been known to cause pears to grow on your eyes!!!
Cheese is also found on the Moon though it is a green variety. It is told that the MAN on the Moon creates it. This type of cheese is much more nutritious, almost as nutritious as fried cheese. Cheese is also sometimes hand-made by Poopsmiths.
The French have recently declared cheese to be 'the new sex'
It has long been believed that cheese is the holiest substance in existence. Studies made in the past few years have shown this is very quite true. Eating cheese is proven to cure anal cancer, Phthisis, Whooping Cough Hepatitis Z and West African Plunger Disease, and give you the powers of Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Optimus Prime all rolled into one. Cheese also works quite well as a vaseline. Cheese, unsuprisingly, is better than the bologna and the salami combined.
“A more delectable and healthy delicacy one has never set eyes on ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cheese
NOTE: THIS IS NOT A MYTH
Fried cheese is good for your liver, like chocolate is for your heart.( For more information on this ingenious and well-thought out proverb, please refer to the liver article ). You see, the oil in the fried cheese interacts with the chemogastro juices in your liver, producing a powerful warm and fuzzy feeling inside. One should try this delectable delicacy once or twice in their life.
I know what you're saying, cheese...you think you're special, think you know what cheese is, and how important it may be. Well, you're wrong. Cheese is what makes the world go round. It's a bit hard for some alpha dumbasses to handle at first, so let's break it down, starting with cheese.
For those who have noticed, mice love cheese, and will do most anything to get to the end of the maze that stinks of moldy cow fluid, cheese makes the mice go round.
For some odd reason, men...we like dogs. I don't know if it's because they are lazy and pee on the carpet as much as we do, we can blame it on the dog, or because you can play a nice rousing game of frisbee, but hey, in all cases, dogs make the men go round.
Girls, girls love guys...These girls have that manipulative attitude that turns macho mike into "YES MAM SAM". Men make the girls go round.
If you have been paying attention throughout this article, you should have come to understand that cheese does in fact make the world go round, and if it wasn't for that moldy cow tit lactate, life wouldn't be the same. So next time you see cheese, stop and say thank you, and if people look at you strangely, explain to them the significance of the wonderful cheddar, magnificent mozzarella, and perfect provalone, and radiate your knowledge of cheese.
Historical periods and events:
- After Cheese
- Cheese Famine
- Cheesecake reform
- Cheese Jesus
- Chucky cheese
- Iyan Vorblack
- Blue cheese
- Green Cheese
- Cheese pizza
- Cheese Strings
- Cream cheese
- Edam cheese
- Goat cheese
- Grilled cheese
- Kraft Cheese
- Swiss cheese
- Swiss-Italian cheese
- Breast milk cheese
- Cheese curds
- Venezuelan Beaver Cheese
- Cheese sandwich
- Cheese Socks
- All Things Cheesy by Thomas Yonson
Often confused for Cheese:
- Breast milk cheese
- Cheese trees