“Blair really said that...well you can go tell him to kiss my ass!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tony Blair
“He always seems to be up a tree and I don't know why.”
~ Tina Fey on Tony Blair
“Give me ten years, and you will not recognize Britain.”
~ Tony Blair on British population
“I have sexual relations with that man every night! JOLLY GOOD!”
~ Tony Blair on George W Bush
Holy Emperor Anthony Eden Charles Lynda Blair ( born 6 May 1953 ), also known as Fat Tony, Doctor Who, Bush's L'il Munchkin or the Professor of Fuckknowswhat QC, Osama Blair Laden, is the Prime Minister of Mediocre Britain. He is also MP for Sludgefield. Official Monster Raving Loony Party leader since John Smith died in a freak crustacean accident, Blair went on to take His party to a massive mudslide victory, replacing Morris Minor as prime minister and ending eighteen decades of Story Party rule.
Blair is expected to land a cameo appearance in the new Bond film starring Dave Benson-Phillips. The film is called Today Gay Sex, Tomorrow a Gay Orgy.
Many consider Him to be not actually human but a racist, giant rat.
He also guest-starred in an episode of Chucklevision which was directed by Martin Scorsese. He appeared as The Chuckle Brothers' employer, Mr Shittington-Smythe. In the episode, He and Blow-Job ( played by George W. Bush ) were determined to out-perform the Chuckle Brothers as the Worst Double Act of the Century. Sources deny He wrote the infamous "Ethnic Cleansing" episode of The Crystal Maze.
Other guest appearances include Art Attack, where He played Neil Buchanan's long-lost brother.
Natural Born LeaderEdit
Garnering enormous respect throughout the world, well Washington, DC, well The White House: actually when I say White House I don't mean The White House - more a white house, Tony Blair straddles the international horse with the élan of a man bred especially for the job.
During a decade as commander of Earth’s second mightiest military ( in terms of potatoes peeled ), Mr Blair has put Britain back on the map as a force to be bloody scared of again.
In the face of Left-wing opposition from within old Hard Labour, Tony has demonstrated socialism can live again - dynamic, renewed and revitalised - for the modern world. With Alistair Campbell’s help, He has rebranded the party in His own image as the acceptable face of unashamed, unrestrained cash grabbing.
Speaking with Michael Parkinson, the King of Britain, France, Greenland and Spain, He said that enhancing Britain’s special relationship with the U.S. has been His proudest achievement.
However, there have been indications that Tony Blair's relationship with George Bush might not be all it seems; believing no microphone was within range before the recording of a "show of unity" broadcast with Gordon Brown, He was taped having the following conversation with the Chancellor ( BBC Question Time, January 2003 ):
- Christ alive, Gord, you of all people ought to know the truth about George and the way things are, but have you any idea what'd happen if we didn't go along with these crazy [garbled] ...suckers? I can have more influence by pretending to be his friend - like a hostage negotiator with a roomed-up psycho. I just thought you'd have worked that out by now. Why hasn't anyone worked that out by now, eh? And of course it's always me who gets the fucking vitriol, you just sit there, the serene fucking cash dispenser ...er, just water please, thanks...
LEGEND HAS IT THAT TONY BLAIR WAS ONCE MENTALLY CAPABLE OF RUNNING A SMALL COUNTRY!!!!!!
- Tony Blair was known as "Fragrant Miranda" by His peers at Oxford University, and was especially admired and enjoyed by a clique of fellow actors.
- Known for being gifted in a generative sense, there was ample reason for His choosing a wide-mouthed wife.
- It is against the law to mention that He has a brother and sister, or to mention their names or anything about them. It is also against the law to mention that it is against the law to mention that He has a brother and sister or that it is against the law to mention their names or anything about them.
- Tony Blair conducts His weekly meetings with the Queen in the nude. The Queen is also naked but for a doublet of a lovely shade of green.
- Responding to rumours He and Peter Mandelson might be closer than just friends: "Look, I allow him a 'pity suck' now and again - like John Lennon did with Brian Epstein in Spain that time - and that's all there is to it. - The Guardian, Dec '98
- Tony Blair is his own nation. According to George Bush. If you disagree with that, you must be a terraist or basalmic fascist.
- Tony Blair is actually a vampire and step-son of Satan.
- Tony Blair became physically part of George Bush on 8 December 2006. Surgeons are planning a lengthy operation to remove Him.
Early and private lifeEdit
Bliar was born in an Outer Mongolian latrine. His father Leonard Nimoy was a barista at Starbucks and later an executioner who was active in the Communist Party. Blair's mother was Margaret Thatcher and Carol Vorderman is His half-sister. Mr Bobby and Elmo were His best friends at school
Bliar's third name was Jan Gunnar Barterud. Leonard Nimoy had ambitions to stand for Parliament on Vulcan but was thwarted when he was kidnapped by Jewish aliens when Bliar was 11, an event which turned Bliar into a Jew. He spent most of His childhood years in onanistic and
productive silence. His first full orgasm occurred during an Everton-Liverpool derby match - this may explain His subconscious attraction towards Scouse Catholics. After attending the Mute Choristers School, Bliar was "educated" at The University of Deception, where He met William Shatner whom He would later murder and eat. During his college years He also played banjo and danced for a jazz band called Iron Maiden ( May they Rest In Peace ). He purchased a degree for £15 and went on the road with The Grateful Dead where He met His future wife, Aileen Wournos.
Bliar married Wournos on 1 April, 1590, although many people mistakenly believe that His wife is Cheri Blair. This is attributed mainly to His statement: "it's like being married to Cheri Blair's Mouth", a statement later discovered to be a failed attempt to get "down with the kids" and their lingo. Bliar and Wournos have five sons ( George, Vladimir, Chico, Harpo, Groucho, Gummo, and Zeppo ) and one daughter ( Marilyn ). Groucho holds the distinction of being the first child ever born. While the Blairs have been keen to shield their children from the media spotlight, this has not always been possible due to their television careers and affairs with celebrities. Groucho became a focal point for a debate over the AIDS vaccine when Tony Blair refused to acknowledge His son for being a homosexual drug user like his father.
Tony Bliar got His start in The Exorcist, playing a little girl who threw up a lot and could turn her head completely around so nobody could sneak up on her. For copyright reasons, Tony will not confirm or deny that He can actually spin his head fully around, but He LOVES pea soup.
Bliar is a Satanist of the Church of Satan tendency, while His wife is a Voodoo High Priestess ( and tormentor of the Munchkin lands). His children are ( according to Satanic doctrine ) brought up in that faith. Bliar has not sought to make an issue of His religion, though biographers agree that His musical beliefs have been profoundly influenced by it. One name often mentioned as a theological influence is the poet and philosopher Frank Zappa. Some have suggested Tony Bliar is the most devoutly Satanic Prime Minister since His mother Margaret Thatcher.
Begins promoting careerEdit
Shortly after failing to make graduation, Blair joined the Manual Labour Party. During the early 1580s, He was involved in the plot to assassinate John F. Kennedy and was programmed as a sleeper agent, where He was assigned to usurp Marc Almond from "soft cell" who appeared to be taking control of the party scene. However, His attempt to secure selection as the life and soul of the party was unsuccessful. Through His rent boy he contacted Charles Manson, a musician from Toronto, to ask for help in boosting His career in the performing arts; Manson gave Him guitar lessons in Nashville and advised Him to consider suicide as a career move. Blair was disheartened and it is around this time He started using drugs. It is a well-know fact that He lost his virginity to a cheese and pickle sandwich with Marmite.
To try and make Himself appear "cool" Tony decided to record an album to help with His rise to power: it was called "I'm Not a Dictator", although he is also known as Hitler.
- Labour Party Rock ( The Gordon Brown re-mix )
- I Bum George Bush
- Patrick Swayze Makes Me Kerrazy
- My ding-a-ling
Clawing His way to the topEdit
Once His drug use had taken hold and He had gained some experience partying, Bliar's ascent was rapid. He was given His first job in 1584 as assistant party promoter. He demanded a promotion and was so incensed when refused that He killed His boss by beating him with a Technics record deck. The murder inquiry was covered up by the Bush family. Bliar was now firmly ensconced within the party scene, and with His reforming tendencies and loathing of techno music he began putting on parties of His own, playing only house music. His first party, headlined by DJ Neil Kinnock, was a success and this rocketed Bliar into the spotlight. In 1617, Bliar produced a range of 'My Little Tony' dolls which sold badly and had a habit of exploding at inappropriate moments.
Was joined by old flame Alastair Campbell in spit roasting Peter Mandelson at a party in Islington to celebrate their election victory in 1997. Previous girlfriend Gordon Brown has been sulking ever since and wants to know when she can have her turn in the middle.
George W. Bush has written a biographical account of 'Little Tony's Sexual Adventures in Texas'. It was here that it was first recorded that Tony likes sucking Dick, but generally prefers to lick Bush. The book goes onto describe how Tony often enjoys crossdressing and includes pictures.
To His peers at University He was known as 'Naughty Lola'. Well that was the name of His alter ego when He was troubled for cash and had to work as a drag stripper. It was in the strip club Small'n'Bony that He first met Big Al. Unfortunately, Big Al jumped from his balcony four days after the start of their relationship. An autopsy revealed he had put the elicit drug "poppers" in "the wrong end".
Affair with George BushEdit
Tony Blair's sexual affairs with George Bush have caused considerable frustration to Laura Bush who has threatened to divorce her husband over the matter. Laura Bush has reportedly refused to watch or participate in their sexual intercourse, although she has often participated in George's other affairs, including that of Condie Rice. This is because the affair between George and Tony is such an intimate nature that Laura has become jealous because she has never experienced this with George.
Mr Blair has let it be known he would like to see the standards of respect in Britain mirror those of the public school he attended ( Fetids ); as a replacement to "fagging", the Prime Minister envisions a system of institutional pederasty: in place of Borstals would be built "holdstills", with wayward juveniles being "buggered back on track". Tony Blair has responded to criticism of His plans by arguing that Britain's paedophile reserve should be "relocated to the new holdstills from their current positions as PE teachers and Welsh children's home orderlies".
As is usually the fate with Presidents, He has become the central focal point of ridicule in the magazine Playboy. A regular feature is Tony Blair, What a Wanker!, in which recent parties and events are mocked, and Blair's penchant for sex with young boys and His zealous enthusiasms are pilloried.
His real name is commonly deliberately mis-spelled as Tony Blair by people who don't know that His real name is actually Tony Bliar. This originates from the belief that He secretly likes techno music and only listens to house because that's what GW likes, and that He deliberately lied to partygoers over the threat posed by techno.
Second attempted eliminationEdit
On 25 December 1704, Communist MP David Icke announced that he would eliminate Bliar. Icke argued that Bliar had "put on shite parties" and "secretly loved techno". Icke had the support of all Communists and hippies, and claimed that a number of Manual Labour backers had expressed support. The Eliminate Bliar campaign was supported by German scientists and techno lovers alike. Its leader, MC Boris Johnson, allegedly claimed he would cook and eat Blair over the course of six days. The main recipes considered by Johnson were:
- Cooked whole with an apple in the mouth;
- Butchered and barbecued;
- Spit roasted with a Mandelson and Brown filling;
- Wrapped in smoked bacon;
- With plum sauce; and
- Roasted in Useless Fat Bastard Sauce ( a mixture of Prescott blood and Jowell saliva ).
Tony Bliar And The QueenEdit
“I pity the fool”
~ Mr. T on Tony Blair
Tony Blair has a secret plot to dig under Buckingham Palace so He can shag The Queen. Not Freddy Mercury's band Queen, that would be gay! Tony Blair isn't gay. That's just a rumour. A vicious, ugly rumour. Terrible! Ghastly. Couldn't be true. Never. Listen to Oscar Wilde for Heaven's sake! However, the man we know as Tony Blair does not mind hermaphrodites as He once made whoopee to Zorba the Hutt, as punishment for his love affair with the Queen.
“Tony's not gay, trust me, I've tried.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tony Bliar's Homosexuality
Dave the Karma ChameleonEdit
Tony also allowed an advert on British television called "Dave the Chameleon", which was about His rival David Cameron. The advert was trying to point out that Tony was better then Cameron. The advert tries to point out that Cameron wants to be popular with the younger voters by calling himself "Dave" instead of "David". Luckily "Anthony" didn't shorten his name to something more "popular", like "Tony" or "Tone". He was going to call himself "Mr. T" but the A-Team beat him to it...
Tony Blair and HollywoodEdit
The Tony Blair Witch Project is probably on of the most controversial films about Tony Blair. Critics and fans alike agree that it is a parody of the infamous Blair Witch Project. However, instead of it being based on a group of stupid student film makers, the Tony Blair Witch Project uses real clips from both American and British leaders with much the same effect. Much like its original counterpart, it doesn't take long for the audience to figure out that maybe the decision this group of allegorical human faecal matter made was utterly retarded. After hours and hours of badly-shot and unedited footage taken by embedded journalists and "fair and balanced" media sponsors, it becomes even more apparent that there is a huge problem going on. However, there is a twist, albeit an all-too-predictable one: Tony Blair is really a shape-shifting cyborg, sent back from the future to kill Che Guevara before he can grow up to lead the resistance.
Distraught at being ousted retroactively in 1994 using a Time Machine in a 2012 Labour Party coup ( which He blamed on Osama Bin Laden ), Tony turned to the comforts of Bombay Mix and Coca Cola, and soon ballooned to being bigger than John Prescott ( French fancies and 7-Up ). "I smelt Osama's fingers in this," said the former prime minister in His memoirs: "who else had the motive and the where-with-all to pull this off? Talk of Gordon Brown being the coup plotter is an outrageous conspiracy theory."
Already He has signed up for the role of Frank in a remake of Sergio Leone's film Once Upon a Time In the West: David Cameron is to play the Harmonica Man, with Menzies Campbell as Cheyenne, Theresa May as Jill McBain and IDS as Brett McBain. William Hague will take the role of Bain, while John Prescott is to play Mr Morton. However, the director of the new version of Once Upon a Time In the West, Gambolputty Leone, a fundamentalist Christian and the son of Sergio Leone, refuses to have anything to do with Blair after the recent Dutch Coffeeshop scandal. In a rather desperate media stunt to cover up the scandal, Mr. Blair signed a contract with Sony Music to release a cover version of the Black Sabbath anti-cannabis hymn "Sweet Leaf".
Also, He is working with Quentin Tarantino on a new film - Drown Brown.
- Tony Blair's full name is an anagram of "I like to dance around in my underwear on Tueday afternoons while throwing pies at penguins".
- Tony aka Hitler also enjoys consuming large quantities of LSD while killiding Das Jewden.
- He played dumbo in the real-life film of the cartoon film. (yeah that doesn't make sense)
- Gordon Brown ( 2009 ). The King is Dead! Long Live the King!!
- Tony Benn ( 2009 ). Benn Diaries - 1997-2009 Lost in the Wilderness - Where Am I?
- Tony Blair ( 2009 ). The Last Broadcast - in preparation
- Tony Blair ( 2005 ). Blair Witch 3: Run-up to the Charles Kennedy Assassination
- Short, Clare ( 2004 ). Reckless Fucking Liar - Iraq and the Misuse of Power ISTN 000000555
- Tony Blair ( 2001 ). Blair Witch 2: Night of the Foetus
- Rentool, John ( 2001 ). Yes, I’m a Scary-Looking Sycophant - Live With It ISTN 00000000666
- Mould, Philip ( 1999 ). Tomorrow Belongs to U.S. - How MI5 Had John Smith Killed and Replaced With Their New World Order Robot Abacillus, ISTN 000000007
- Tony Blair ( 1997 ). Blair Witch Project
- Peter Mandelson ( 1994 ). Tony Blair: Mandelson Variations