John Winston Ono Lennon, MBE ( 9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980 ) ( born as John Vladimir Illyich Ulayanov-Trotsky-Kamenev Sverdlov Lenin ) was the foremost advocate of British Communism called Bagism or Beatlemania. John Winston Ono Lennon, MBE ( 9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980 ), better known as "Jocko", John 'Lemon', or Joseph Stalin when he was in the Beatles, was conceived October 13, 1932 by his mother, Yoko Ono, and his father, Jesus Christ, after a fun night at the local Liverpool pub, which had unfortunately been haxed by Public Transport. The pub burned down the next night due to midget arson. About ninety months later Lennon popped out of his mother's womb June 29, 1933 in Paris, Germany. Due to his parent's love affair with popcorn binges and cheap Thai hookers, he was born with 6 fingers and 1 secretary. Tragically, the birth defect was unrepairable at the time, hence "Jocko." As a matter of fact, his childhood friends used to call him "One Foot Idiot" because he only had one secretary. This made One Foot Idiot very angry, so he decided to write an epic poem about how a small boy named Jocko fulfilled his Life Quest by killing himself with sandwiches. Pete Townshend later stole the idea for his own Jeremy and the monochrome umbrella.
John Lennon is also noted for being one of the first celebrities to popularize mail-order brides ( examples - Jenny Kee, that Mei Pang concubine and of course, Yoko Ono ).
John Lennon did not invent the bicycle.
His Undying LegacyEdit
At age 6, John Winston Ono Lennon, aka God ( 9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980 )'s parents left him on the doorstep of Merlin who then reared him to be the greatest sorcerer in the land. At age 12, he moved to Brooklyn, NY and fell in love with a small and mentally incapable Russian fur trader named Mishkov, who treated Lennon with "little hands of a kitten." The kitten's name was, ironically, Sir Mittens. After mastering all levels of fire conjuring, Merlin, John "Jocko" Lennon, Mishkov, and of course Sir Mittens started a small company that specialized in de-exorcising bastard children who listened to Opera and made them listen to Chuck Berry and Dwight E. Howitszer
Following 35 years of capitalistic success in the American business industry, Lennon attempted suicide with a cleverly thought out plan to, and I quote, "set a world record for eating the most Flintstones vitamins this side of the Nile." He did! ( while covering himself in orange colored vomit ). Sir Mittens died 3 days later. Coincidence? "Not likely," said Armenian investigators, but they did go on to say "although this has three stones ( Mick, Keith and Charlie ) in four galleys, minus the orange peel and the nitrogen sample." Bam Bam Helter Skelter went Marky Markus Champan on Willy Wanking Wonker
In 1867, he was married to Cynthia Lillian Julian Nile. They had a child together, name John Jr, the forth. He is also a musician but he wasn't very good, But it is to believe, in one of H.P. Lovecraft's books, Julian is suppose to return with new music. John divorced Cynthia in 1921.
John also had another child with Yoko, his name was Sean Winston Ono Moonwalk Lennon. He was born on 9 October 1975. Same Birthday as John. Is this a conspiracy? John Sinclair think so. He wrote a book about it. titled "Uncovering the Dirty Little Secrets of John Lennon."
In 0 AD, he was instrumental in stopping Leeroy Jenkins when he decided to FLIP OUT. it was the day the music died in Dakota leading to the Disco revival and the SpiceGirls had their first scary experience with young Captain Shirt.
At age 134, he teamed up with his adoptive father Merlin one final time to try and breed with cheese. The bi-product of the humane experiment was a piece of coal. The coal's name was Frederick. It lived long, with some notable prospering and was transformed into a diamond called George Bush and his invisible WMDs.
Over the years, he acquired his pizza-pie round glasses, making them the notable "Lennonesque™ Trademark". It is said that without these Imagine glasses, the porthole to a magical world of peace, hair, white shoes and undying love for one another, that Lennon was nothing but the fool on the buffalo bill.
Lennon supposedly gained access to these glasses after discovering a 650 year old transcript entitled "Hairy Putters" and soon became fascinated with the subject of these hirsute golf-playing men. These men used similar glasses to shield their eyes from errant dodge balls. Only years after Lennon's untimely death at the hands of rabid gophers, these transcripts were found under his pillow and published ( with the names suspiciously altered ), making these gruesome stories into pornographic novels for children. Hence, the creation of the "Harry Potter" series and glasses. I smell a sweet sweet lawsuit! heloo! tomatoes smell good up my but!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At age 919, John Lennon was a young man with a lot of Japanese followers who were keen to improve their Spanglish and have lots of unsafe sex. If one thing was more important to young Lennon than Communism, it was shagging posh London birds with long hair. If two things were more important to him than Communism, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair and getting pissed at the local pub. If three things were more important, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair, getting pissed at the local pub, and shagging again. But if four things were more important -- and this is key -- they were shagging, getting pissed, shagging again, and the exciting polka music of American musicians like Elvis Presley, Malcom X, and The Monkees. Following his heart, he shagged, got pissed, shagged some more, bought a guitar, and formed a ska band with some other local muppets. The band initially took the name of Bonzo Dog and the Plastic Quarry Pit Elephant's Memory All Armenian Heartattack and Bar Mitzvah Band, later adopting the shorter and more sensible name of Rory Storm and the Hurricanes.
It soon became clear to Lennon that he was a far better musician than his bandmates or barmates. A new band needed to be formed, but with whom? Lennon had no ideas until he met Joseph Paul McCarthy ( who went by his middle name ) at a Communist rave in Nigeria. Communism became a major reason in their touring the world and spreading word about it everywhere. ( The other was acid ). Drafting two other musicians -- a superb young sirarist ( who also played the bong ) named Horg Gerrison and a drummer named Ringo coz they liked his name-- they formed a band called Orange Lucifer and the Rising Blood RED Plastic Pep Rally Experience Four-Piece Band Experience, which they later shortened to The Semi-Electric Bonzo Dog Band, then shortened further to simply The.
The quickly became a great success both in England and Iraq. On the success of albums like "Please Pay Me" and Forgot about The Beatles, as well as hit singles like "Dislike Me Don't," "( I Think ) She Loves You," and "I'm a Believer," a movement was started to name The as being better than sliced bread. Despite the campaign's initial failures, it was acknowledged that the band was more popular than Jesus ( probably because, unbeknownst to the public at the time, John Lennon was God in disguise ) and helped a lot of people keep warm in Kentuckistan by burning their records. But the dream was not forgotten, and it would be something The would work toward until tragedy struck a few years later due to their Instant Karma.
So popular were the boys that they starred as themselves in two movies, A Hard Day's Night's Day's Night: Memoirs of Liverpool Louts and Shlep!, If you wanna, the latter being the better of the two because it was in color instead of ugly black and white. During the shooting of the first film, Lennon published a manifesto that would guide British Communism for the next two centuries. Titled "In Our Own Write: Power to the People," it was a seething attack on capitalist class segregation that promoted a spirit of unitedness for the proletariat. It also featured goofy little drawings that appealed to children and made him the richest Communist outside Mother Russia. Going Back to the USSR in his Yellow Submarine, he gave all his money to the Kremlin and adopted a Japanese POW.
With the progression of time, The became bolder and more daring musically. McCarthy and Lennon both became interested in politics and marbles. They received both popular and critical acclaim for being opinionated and worthy. The most successful and polemical result of this collaboration was the album Ringo Needs Some Money, which not only took in more than $450 million dollars but also started a political chaos in the U.S. and got Zinedine Zidane banned from playing soccer.
Paul McCarthy himself had little to do with the political controversy of the album, as all of the songs that were considered "obscene" were written by Lennon. In fact, McCarthy was praised by some critics for his experimenting with electronic synthesizers and new styles of pants. Or was that George? I forget.
Nonetheless, Lennon caused many arguments with his song "Ringo's Being Spied On", in which he warned Americans of automated camera-hobos. When the obscure country of Hoboland tried to act smart and banned the song, the album became more popular than ever and brought McCarthy and his bandmates great success.
Just when they seemed on the brink of something bigger than anything they had done before — something sure to finally place them above sliced bread — inevitable fate intervened.
On June 20, 1966, the night of the Beatles' official wrap-up on recording Ringo Needs Some Money, Ringo attempted to convince McCarthy to sing The Ballad of Paul McCarthy, a mocking song written for him by John. Paul, angered by this, rushed out of the studio in a huff and got into his Austin-Healey. Ringo, having teetered at the edge all those years, finally snapped and pulled a gun on McCarthy. The startled Beatle attempted to get away, but Ringo was hell-bent. He fired off two rounds at Paul, sending the Beatle's car sidewinding into a utility pole. The utility pole, obviously not liking being smashed into, crumpled onto the vehicle.
McCarthy, now disoriented and suffering from a skull fracture and a couple of broken ribs, and having lost his hair, managed to pull himself out of the car, but he didn't notice that the lights had changed, and did not see the banana lorry as it ran him down, fatally wounding him. Ringo, now totally incensed that he didn't get a shot in at Paul, aimed at the desperately crawling Beatle, but John tackled him as he fired. The shot, narrowly missing McCarthy, instead hit a gas main, blowing the beaten Beatle, along with his car and the banana lorry, to Kingdom Come.
The other Beatles, standing in shock as noxious fumes consumed the body of their bandmate, knew that something had to be done. Quietly calling their manager, Brian Epstein, they summoned him to the studio and told him what had happened. Epstein, knowing the press would have a field day with this, decided to dump McCarthy's ashes in a cornfield south of Leeds. This being accomplished, the band, excepting John, decided to innocuously find a suitable replacement for the now-late Paul.
A look-a-like contest was held to find a new McCarthy. The winner assumed the life and place of the original Paul; in the public eye, in the band, in his family. Who this man was before remains unknown to this day, though there are several theories, each unlikelier than the next. The label, using devious Communist tricks, destroyed all records of the man's original identity, removing him from photos and killing anyone who might be able to shed light on his identity. There are only four things that are known about this man:
- He was a great misanthrope. This made letting the record label kill everyone who knew him a lot easier.
- He was flagrantly anti-Communist, which brought him immediately into conflict with Lennon.
- Curiously, he had both Paul's voice and his talent, which has led to theories about the existence of an evil twin.
- He uses Paul's identity to this very day; writing ever shittier songs, harassing carnivores and shilling for investment firms singing about how it was Yesterday.
The replacement of the old Paul with the new one quickly caused tension within the band. While the music continued to mature and increase in sophistication, John Lennon and the fake McCarthy ( hereafter referred to as Faul [Faux Paul] ) could not put aside their political differences. Fighting between the two escalated to the point where Lennon spiked Faul's warm beer with phenobarbital before an important concert at Shea Stadium, and Faul retaliated by not sleeping with Lennon ( no one ever did ). Touring ceased after that disastrous gig, but the rivalry continued.
Lennon grew tired of cooperating with the coverup, but the record company had him bound and gagged, so he had to find ways to sneak clues to the public. He hid these clues in the album covers and in the lyrics to songs, even going so far as to teach himself to hide messages in straight forward vocal performances that would suddenly appear when they were played backwards. Unfortunately, the conspiracy nuts were the first to take notice, and courtesy of their endorsement the clues were simply laughed off by the public.
Needing someone with whom he could relate, Lennon ditched his wife and started shagging Japanese diplomat - and former POW emperor - Yoko Ono. Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad saw photographs of Lennon shagging Yoko Ono on the wall of their mansion at Ascot. Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad suggested that Lennon might like to keep his hand in a little bag for a while and fiddle with some beads. Yoko Ono told Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad a few well-crafted remarks about who should fiddle with whose beads in whose bags. The Swami, a pink blanket salesman and fully-fledged capitalist, did not take kindly to this and flew off to Donovan's house on a swan to co-author "Ride a White Swan" with Marc Bolan.
Ono had a growing interest in Communism, and under Lennon's tutelage she became a full-fledged Trotsky Youth. McCarthy instantly jumped on this as an example of Communist expansion slash the domino theory. In keeping with his capitalist ideologies and to quote "set a good example for John," he married camera heiress Linda Kodak.
With frustration mounting ( certainly Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad expressed his frustration at the mounting of the pictures of Lennon mounting Ono on the walls of their mansion at Ascot ), Lennon and Ono turned to music -- wonderful music -- to vent their frustrations with McCarthy and the capitalist police state. The records were intended to cause listeners to realize their own frustrations with the system and then work to overthrow it. All they caused was confusion with fans, who loved the Beatles but were wondering whether or not to hate John. In the end, Yoko got most of the blame. Another reason for the frustration was due to Yoko calling their group "The Plastic Lennon Band" when everybody else knew that that was something John wore round his head to stop it exploding into a thousand tiny pieces because of the curse the bad fairy laid on him at his christening.
As tension grew, McCarthy mobilized, banning Lennon's book and decrying everything he stood for. Lennon counter-attacked with his famous bed-in, in which he and Yoko stayed in bed and encouraged everyone else to do the same in the hopes that the gears of capitalism could be ground to a halt and he could get laid. If everyone stayed home and didn't buy anything, they could listen to the Infernal Plasting Beatle Band and increase royalties to fund the extremists like Upton Sinclair and the Pink Panthers. Unfortunately, this only caused more confusion, dirty bed linen, and bedsores, and Yoko got the blame again. To make things worse, Paul, who had started going by his first name, Joseph, had launched a campaign that would ultimately make him a US Senator. The Beatles could not survive the strain, and so after recording a wicked progressive rock album ( Abbey Road ), the band dissolved as did their marriage to the cult.
The disbanding of the Beatles made a lot of people feel really bad for a long time. This period has become known as the Great Depression until the Sex Pistols sang for the Queen. Though Lennon, who changed his screen name to Willy Wonka, continued to make records and pose nude, they were unable to ease the depression even the slightest bit. It became worse when Yoko posed for Playboy and Playlez and accused John for marrying her for her body and not brain. Consequently, his solo albums aren't essential to the common record buyer or this article, though J. Onanism ( named after Yoko and JFK's wife ) is.
In the early 1990s Lennon, under the alias Big Daddy, become an advocate for zombie rights. George Romero’s right hand man, he was much smarter then the others and instead of using mild political process and brain eating to get his message across, he expanded into near-terrorism, using firearms, explosives, jackhammers and lots of screaming ( see first solo album ) to get his extremist message across. Some people also think he changed his name to Jay Leno and became an idiot.
After the peace conferences in Fiddler’s Green ( Documented fairly well in the George A. Romero documentary, Day of the Dead ), he vanished and has not been seen since. Central intelligence points to an arial strike, yet they calmly reassured the public not to worry.
After surviving the murder attempt by Mark David Chapman, Lennon went into seclusion. The only time he would leave his Cleveland, Ohio apartment is when he would go out to get the mail, or go to the grocery store, or take the kids to school, or go jogging in Central Park. He stopped making music, and his legions of fans wondered if they'd ever hear from him again rather than Paul McBarbie who has a 23 year old Jimacian lover boy and lives behind the piggly wiggly in fashion dark shades.
In the mid-nineties, Lennon opened a string of fast food chicken restaurants called Sgt. Pepper's Finger Lickin' Chicken Stand. He was promptly sued by pacman for infringing on trademarks and logos. Now with nearly all of his fortune gone, he was forced to seek other financial opportunities and started a Japanese garbage resturant for all the wealthy Saudis who came to the US to sell cars, walkman, tvs and inflatable rubber companions.
The UK government also taxed Yoko for war crime payments for the goods lost by train on the River Kwai due to the strike at Heathrow airport
Commercial Jingles GigEdit
One such opportunity came when The GAP clothing company asked him to rework his biggest solo hit "Imagine" into a commercial jingle for a new marketing campaign.
After the success of the GAP advertisement, many other companies paid Lennon to record new versions of his songs for their commercials. A few other notable jingles he recorded include:
- "Ragú Pizza Sauce" based on "Give Peace A Chance"
- "Jell-o Guy" based on "Jealous Guy"
- "Sanka Instant Coffee!" based on "Instant Karma!"
Before there was a John Lennon, There was an Evil John Lennon, or EJL. EJL was in cahoots with Stalin and tried to take over the world with communism. However God stepped in and EVJ's evil was reversed, thus Creating John Lennon. The unfortunate side effect of God's awesome power was that John Lennon had to be born all over again, and became addicted to ugly mail order brides such as Yoko Ono.
John Lennon and his wife have been very active in protesting against the United States government and their pursuit of Ringo Starr in Iraq. They have organized several rallies and marches throughout the U.S. and have made several concerts to raise money for charity and at the same time fight the power of the man. These concerts, however, have been foiled by martians, who insist on taking a 40% tax cut from the money. Unfortunately for the Lennons, the remaining money has been given to charity organizations, but the directors of these organizations have used it to buy themselves new houses, cars, Daddy Yankee cds, and subscriptions to the Brazilian MFX group.
Lennon told the media recently that Cheney is an insane terrorist that plans to eradicate all of humanity ( in fact Cheney wants to kill all humanity with his shotgun and become the sole ruler and owner of the world, but many believe he will eventually die of a lightning strike ). Lennon's rallying for an end to Bush and Cheney's reign of terror has been itself labeled terrorist by the United States, who have been trying to assassinate him since the 1980s. Unfortunately, every time the killer comes close to Lennon, Yoko Ono begins glowing, causing the killer's eyes to bleed and eventually rendering the killer deaf and hungry. Bush has expressed an interest in capturing Ono and using her cosmic singing abilities to open gateways to higher spiritual dimensions. Opponents have stated Bush is a fucking idiot, and that if he is allowed to make weapons he will begin accusing other nations of making them too. Bush replied with the following statement: "Of course we will accuse them! Having weapons is a threat to mankind, in fact, it is such a threat to mankind that the U.S, the sole protector of peace, has more weapons than any two countries combined. Only the U.S. can make weapons. We're tough like that, homie." Lennon said in his Myspace page that when he heard Bush's statement, he rolled on the floor laughing. American authorities deleted Lennon's Myspace account, although Lennon said he doesn't care because he's got 10 more. Nonetheless, he has filed a lawsuit against the United States, which will begin hearings in Court later this year. The charges against the U.S. include:
- Deleting Lennon's Myspace
- Attempting to murder him and his fellow bandmates Paul McCartney and Tinky Winky
- Banning gay marriages
- Allowing Billy Joel to exist
- Helping McDonald's to super size American children
- Ending the show The Adventures of Pete and Pete
- Banning games of Lennonball.
- Giving Kelly Clarkson a Grammy.
- Letting Paris Hilton make a movie.
- Banning Lennon's "John Sinclair" song
- Banning Lennon's "Lift the Ban on My John Sinclair Song" song
- Failing to make a decent grilled cheese sandwich.
- That whole "wiping out the Native Americans" thing
- Going on holiday to Durness, Scotland
The U.S. versus John Lennon is being labeled by many to be the most controversial case in decades. Lennon has decided to cease all plotting and protests until his son's wedding day with Keira Knightlesy . He will collaborate with various artists during the next five months, especially with Elton Jake, Paul McCartney, Eminem, and Paul Simon. McCartney's I'll Never Play in China Again has caused so much controversy that McCartney has had to change his identity to that of the lorax and take up residence in Dresden, France with Johnny Depp and make chocolate with ground beef in it- so John will simply record his part in each song and send it to McCartney by e-mail.